Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Still Here...and Angry

I started this blog to keep me honest. For far too long in my life, if something makes me uncomfortable, or I don't want to do it, or I just plain don't like it...I avoid it. That's me...the Greatest Avoider that Ever Lived. I have matured somewhat to realize that not everything can or should be ignored, but I am still pretty dang good at it....whatever that means.

So, now I sit here...angry with myself that I started this whole "thing" and have turned to my favorite way to cope when things got hard. I avoided the big project. I avoided the honesty it was going to force upon me. I then avoided the shame of failing by taking my blog private. I took away the public driving force to keep me rolling, the only thing keeping me honest. Ugh.

And I kept telling myself, give yourself space. Give yourself whatever time you need to get back to it and then...get back to it. And every time I looked at the blog or thought of a project...I walked away from the computer, apparently not ready. Well, it's been months, and I still don't feel ready - and that means now I am angry with myself for slacking. Because that's what it really is/was. Slacking.

I have gained back the 10 pounds I lost, and a few more...and today I am truly sickened with myself now - disgusted, angry, wallowing in self pity, hatred, anger, whatever. It's sad and angering.

I want to get back on the wagon, but every time I do, I fall off so easily, so I think - why should I start again? Well.....the only reason is......Because what is the alternative? Blow up to 300 pounds and die of a heart attack and never see my kids grow up, or the living alternative: become insulin dependent after getting the final crushing blow of a diabetes diagnosis with no turning back? Who wants a life like that?

Anger has always been a driving force in my life - when I get angry, I get moving to change things...the problem is, when I stop being angry, I stop moving. And then I get angry again and so on...a constant, unhealthy cycle. It seems I need a motivator to step in and take over when the anger subsides...I'll have to figure that something out. My life is wasting away, slipping from me, and the older I get, the more I recognize that these problems need to be fixed NOW, not "someday" because the "somedays" are running out for me. I need to be healthier as I get older to counteract aging effects on the body, not compound them. I want to enjoy my life, feel healthy, feel energized and HAPPY. Today, and not just someday.

Lots to say here...and I guess this is where it needs to be said, because if I am not being honest here, I am not being honest with myself. So, here it goes... PCOS, Bi-Polar, Anger issues, Weight Gain, triplet mom anxiety and stress.... this blog will be my therapist/diary for the moment...I'm hoping I can get it all out, purge it, and start anew....again. *sigh* So, stick with me, or skip these passages if you want - it will get darker before it gets lighter.

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